By Antwaun “Coach T®” Thompson
There is a lot of pressure on adults to get it right when it comes to young people.
Say the right thing. Make the right decision. Give the right advice. Respond the right way.
And when we don’t?
We can be incredibly hard on ourselves.
But after nearly four decades of coaching and mentoring preteens and teens, I’ve come to believe something that may take some of that pressure away:
Young people don’t need perfect adults. They need intentional ones.
I’ve never been a parent. But I have spent most of my adult life working alongside parents, educators, coaches, mentors, and, most importantly, young people themselves.
I’ve watched young people grow into confident leaders. I’ve watched them struggle. I’ve seen them make mistakes, recover from disappointment, wrestle with relationships, question themselves, and slowly discover who they are becoming.
And through all of it, I’ve seen just how much the adults around them matter.
They Are Watching More Than We Realize
We spend a lot of time thinking about what we need to teach young people.
Responsibility.
Accountability.
Communication.
Respect.
Character.
Leadership.
Those lessons matter. But sometimes we forget that young people are also learning those things by watching us.
How do we respond when we’re frustrated?
How do we speak to someone when we disagree?
What happens when we make a mistake?
Can we admit when we’re wrong?
Do we apologize?
Do our actions match the expectations we place on them?
Young people notice.
They may not always tell us they’re watching, but they are.
That means some of our most powerful lessons won’t come from what we say to them. They’ll come from what we allow them to see in us.
Our Past Can Explain Our Behavior Without Excusing It
Every adult carries a story.
We have experiences that shaped us, people who influenced us, mistakes we’ve made, lessons we’ve learned, and sometimes wounds we still carry.
Those experiences can influence how we respond to young people.
Understanding that matters.
Self awareness allows us to recognize where some of our reactions come from and gives us an opportunity to respond differently.
But understanding why we behave a certain way shouldn’t eliminate responsibility for how that behavior affects others.
In fact, I believe greater self awareness should lead to greater accountability.
There is tremendous power in an adult being able to tell a young person:
“I didn’t handle that the way I should have.”
Or:
“I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
Or even:
“I’m working on that too.”
Think about what we’re teaching in those moments.
We’re showing them that accountability doesn’t make you weak.
We’re showing them that admitting a mistake doesn’t diminish your authority.
We’re showing them that growth doesn’t end when you become an adult.
Let Them See the Process
Sometimes adults believe our job is to present young people with the finished version of ourselves.
But maybe they need to see some of the process too.
They need to see us reflect.
They need to see us adjust.
They need to see us apologize.
They need to see us try again.
Because that’s exactly what we’re going to ask them to do throughout their lives.
When young people see an adult make a mistake, acknowledge it, learn from it, and choose differently the next time, they’re witnessing personal growth in real time.
Reflection → Accountability → Adjustment → Growth.
That’s more than a lesson.
That’s modeling.
Intentional Doesn’t Mean Easy
Being intentional doesn’t mean we’ll always know what to do.
There will be difficult conversations.
There will be moments when emotions get the best of us.
There will be decisions young people don’t understand or appreciate.
There will even be times when doing what is best for a young person creates temporary tension in the relationship.
Intentionality isn’t about avoiding every difficult moment.
It’s about asking ourselves:
What does this young person need from me right now?
Not what makes me feel better.
Not what protects my ego.
Not simply what was done to me when I was their age.
What does this young person need from me?
Sometimes the answer will be encouragement.
Sometimes it will be patience.
Sometimes it will be listening.
Sometimes it will be a boundary.
And yes, sometimes it will be accountability.
Caring about young people doesn’t mean removing every consequence or making every situation comfortable. Growth can be uncomfortable.
The challenge for adults is learning the difference between discomfort that develops a young person and behavior that simply depletes them.
Give Yourself Permission to Grow Too
Here’s something I hope parents, educators, coaches, and mentors remember:
You are still developing too.
Young people aren’t the only ones becoming.
We are becoming right alongside them.
That’s why perfection has never been the standard I believe we should chase.
Intentional growth is.
Ask questions.
Listen.
Reflect.
Own your mistakes.
Pay attention to your patterns.
Be willing to change.
And when you get something wrong, and eventually all of us will, don’t waste the mistake.
Learn from it.
Because the young person watching you may learn something too.
They may discover that strong people can apologize.
That leaders can admit mistakes.
That relationships can survive difficult conversations.
That accountability and compassion can exist together.
And that who we were yesterday doesn’t have to determine who we become tomorrow.
The Goal Isn’t Perfection
Nearly four decades around young people has taught me that they don’t need adults who never get anything wrong.
They need adults who show up.
Adults who listen.
Adults who care enough to hold them accountable.
Adults willing to hold themselves accountable too.
Adults who continue learning.
Adults who are willing to grow.
So perhaps instead of asking:
“Am I doing this perfectly?”
we should ask:
“Am I being intentional about the person I’m becoming, and the example I’m giving the young person in front of me?”
Because raising, teaching, coaching, or mentoring a young person isn’t only about helping them become better.
Sometimes, if we’re willing to pay attention, they help us become better too.
And that may be one of the greatest gifts of being part of a young person’s village.
If this spoke to you, keep going. Everything I build is made for young people and for the adults in their village. You can find the framework behind this work in S.E.A. of Success®, and you can see the ways we can work together at Work With Coach T®.
Antwaun “Coach T®” Thompson has spent nearly four decades coaching and mentoring preteens and teens. He is the Founder & Executive Director of JLT Fieldhouse, Inc., creator of the S.E.A. Of Success® framework, author of S.E.A. Of Success®, The Ultimate Guide to Success for Preteens and Teens, and founder of Coach T’s Corner®, where his mission is to Educate, Support, Inspire young people and the adults who help guide them.